Guiltroversion

I feel this too often lately.  Tomorrow will be better.

ODonnell2

He who angers you controls you.

This message could not be more true.  There are those certain people in our lives that know how to get under our skin.  Some do it purposely, just because they want to get a reaction.  I’ve worked really hard on not reacting to these type people.  It is extremely difficult at times.  My ex-husband is one of these people.  We divorced eight years ago.  It was my decision to divorce because he was controlling among other things.  I was not going to raise our son in that environment.  He still tries to control me.  He still does and says things to me to try to manipulate me and upset me.  If I did not have a child with him I obviously would not communicate with him.  He is a roadblock in my life now.

“Never let someone or something with the significance of a speed bump become a roadblock in your life.”

I agree with this quote, but unfortunately it is not that simple for me.  I do my best to not react to my ex, but some of his actions and words recently are affecting my life and even worse are affecting our sons life.  I will get through this roadblock at some point.  I’ve always wondered how people such as my ex can sleep at night.  It’s as if he has no conscience.  He has always been able to justify his wrongdoings (in his head) and never feel guilty for the pain or hurt he causes others.   I honestly feel like he will be this way until the day I die.  Why?  It’s been eight years!   I guess because he was not able to control me and stop me from divorcing him.  It is insane that after this many years he won’t move on and let it go.

Why are so many people in this world so determined to bring others down?  I know there are many answers to that question.

I guess the way I see it is that each one of us experience tragedies in our lives.  We have all had to get through really bad times.  I have been through things that I am still angry about and still hold a lot of hurt from.  I don’t treat others badly because of it though.  My conscience will not allow me to.  I am thankful for my conscience.  It’s definitely better than the alternative.

Silent Grief

I have lost a lot of people in my life.  There are a few deaths that I wasn’t sure I would survive because of the grief, the heartache, anxiety and depression that came with it. It was unbearable.

I lost my brother seven years ago.  He was 46, married to his high school sweetheart, they  had a son and three grandchildren.  He was murdered.  He was shot with a buckshot shotgun twice.  He had 24 entrance wounds.  He died instantly.  My nephew had to witness his Dad being shot.  My nephews friend was shot in the back as he was trying to run away.  He survived thankfully.  My nephew is lucky to be alive.  The man that did this is walking free.  He did not spend one minute in jail.  The kind of grief I have experienced since he died is by far the worst.  I am still grieving.  I know that it’s been harder because there was no closure.  He died violently.  There was no justice served, which I believe may have given me and my family some kind of closure.  How can we have closure when the person responsible for killing my brother got away with it?  I still have so much anger over this.  This man killed my brother and so many lives were affected by it.  So many lives were forever changed.  His life remained the same.  My nephew will forever be traumatized from seeing his father killed.  Every time I see him my heart breaks.  He has this sadness in his eyes that kills me.  My sister in law I don’t think will ever remarry.  He was the love of her life.  My brother was so much fun.  Everyone loved him.   He was very charming. My heart is still broken and I miss him so much.  He was the only person that could make me laugh no matter how depressed, mad or upset I was.  Even if I was mad at him, he could make me laugh.  He was my older brother, so he was also overly protective of me.  I hated it at the time because he never liked any guy that I dated.  He didn’t think anyone was good enough for me.  ♥  It is still as hard today as it was seven years ago.  There are days my heart hurts for him.  It will hit me out of nowhere some days.  I do feel like I am dying on the inside from the hurt.  I thank God I have my son.  He has really helped me get through this.  He is my whole heart and he needs his mother.  If I didn’t have a child, I do not know what I would have done.  I honestly feel it would not have been good.

I lost my maternal grandmother and my mother eighteen years ago, within nine months of each other.  I was 24.  I had to watch my grandmother die from cancer and then nine months later my mother unexpectedly had a heart attack.  She had two surgeries, but she passed away two days later.  Losing my mother changed my family.  She was the one who kept us all together.  I know that is common, but you don’t seem to realize it until it’s gone.  I am the youngest of 5 children, so we have a big family.  Our family traditions stopped.  Now we only get together as a family once at Christmas.  Even then not everyone goes.  We still love each other, we just aren’t the close-knit family that we once were.  I miss that so much.  I miss our family traditions.  I still need my mom.  I hate that my she wasn’t here when I was pregnant and when I had my son.  I wanted her here so bad.  I know she sees him.  I know all my loved ones see him.

I have come to the point that I cannot handle deaths.  I have dealt with so many  already.  It has taken such a toll on me.  I rarely go to funerals.  I can’t handle seeing all the heartbroken  people, knowing how all their lives will change.   We all grieve differently and there is no time limit on how long the grieving will last.  I feel I will grieve for my brother the rest of my life.

I still have to live my life and be grateful for the family and friends that are still here with me.  I definitely have learned that life is short and to never take that for granted.  Our lives can change in an instant.  ❤✞❤

It’s okay to be sad.

I love what this says. It is so true.
Compassion and understanding means everything.

So True!!!

The Legend of Oatcakes

So True!!!

Normally, I will try to avoid just posting rubbish I find on tumblr, but seriously, this is so true!

People just say, why don’t you enjoy life? why don’t you just be happy? why can’t you stop being depressed?
If I could, then I seriously fucking would.

Right now, example, I am wound up, I am feeling worthless, shit, ugly, pathetic, unwanted. If I could get rid of that, that sinking everlasting depression, then I seriously would. I would be happy, happy in my self and nothing like, things wouldn’t make me happy, people wouldn’t make me happy, I would be happy as a whole.

I’d give my left leg to just be happy.

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